Accept Me, Please
by xxAshlinxx
Summary: "You killed her!" I yelled. "Why would you show your face here?" KC leaps over and tries to hold me back from my father, my only desire being to tear him apart. Suddenly I fell limp, numb. And when KC let go of me to see what was wrong, I ran out the door
1. When You Look Me in the Eyes

KC's POV

"Uh, Ms. Oh," I mumbled, clutching my stomach. I couldn't remember the last time I felt this sick. "I need a hall pass. Ma'am." I added, looking up at my teacher with pained, innocent eyes.

Ms. Oh sighed. "If you must." I grabbed a pass at the end of the room. I didn't look at anything but the floor as I left. I especially didn't look at Jenna's concerned glance. I especially didn't want her to touch my arm when I passed by her desk, asking me if something was wrong.

My stomach started to feel sicker.

Across the hall, I spotted Clare and her new emo boyfriend heading out the back door, most likely skipping school. Again.

Clare's smile filled her face, making her blue eyes twinkle. I doubt I ever made her as happy as she is right now. I guess I just couldn't make girls stay happy. I couldn't have a girlfriend without screwing the whole relationship. Or our whole lives.

Clare realized I was lost in thought at the other end of the hallway, staring at her. She smiled again and placed a finger over her lips. I grinned back and lifted my hand from my aching belly to "lock my lips". Eli turned and saw me, giving me a brief salute gesture, which I returned as he opened the door for Clare before exiting himself.

Yet I still wasn't alone in the hallway.

Mr. Simpson, who had just appeared from behind the corner, was whispering to a young girl, as to not disrupt any of the classes around them. He was telling her how to get to the Junior High building. I noticed she wasn't wearing a uniform. Instead she was wearing a ratty Fuddruckers t-shirt and hole-covered jeans that loosely ran over her legs. I hadn't realized that the middle school didn't have to follow the dress code.

"You don't have to walk all through the upper school building," Principal Simpson was saying. "This is just the quicker way from my office. I didn't expect you to be here so early." He looked down at the girl trailing behind him.

"Small change of plans," she responded, smiling. Mr. Simpson then noticed me standing in the middle of the hallway, looking pale. I shuttered.

"Ah, Mr. Guthrie," he nodded. "Are you in need of any help?" He almost glared at me

"No, um, I was jus-just going to see the, uh, the nurse…" Something caught my eye. _Her _eyes. The girl's. They were huge and were looking at me as if she's seen a ghost. But it wasn't that that I noticed. Those eyes. They were MY eyes. But I remembered them. I remembered when they looked up at me with panic or fear. I remember when they had tears flowing out of them as I whispered consoling words and tended to wounds and bruises. "_It's alright…It won't happen again…You'll get through this…" _I thought I'd never see those eyes outside of my reflection. I gasped when she spoke.

"KC?"

I was quiet for a moment. It felt like I couldn't even breathe. Then I choked out, "Mick?"

Mr. Simpson looked a tad confused and he spoke loudly, making me jump. "Do you know Mary Clark?" he asked.

Looking back down at Mick, I realized she was silently crying. Seeing her tears drip down her face brought back tormenting memories. I lifted my hands up to her face and wiped her tear-stained cheeks, then kissed the top of her head lightly. Principle Simpson raised an eyebrow and as he opened his mouth to interrupt us, I spoke up, my eyes never leaving the ones of the sobbing girl.

"It's okay, Mr. S." I said softly, feeling tears well up in my own eyes.

"I'm her brother."

_If the heart is always searching,  
Can you ever find a home?  
I've been looking for that someone,  
I'll never make it on my own.  
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,  
There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true_

When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,  
When you look me in the eyes.

How long will I be waiting,  
To be with you again  
Gonna tell you that I love you,  
In the best way that I can.  
I can't take a day without you here,  
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,  
When you look me in the eyes.

More and more, I start to realize,  
I can reach my tomorrow,  
I can hold my head high,  
And it's all because you're by my side.

When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When I hold you in my arms  
I know that it's forever  
I just gotta let you know  
I never wanna let you go

Cause when you look me in the eyes.

And tell me that you love me.  
Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,  
When you look me in the eyes


	2. Take Me Away

**i hope to get chapters up faster than i am now... which is very slowww. school kinda sucks. hard. so don't hate, just review. :)**

KC's POV

I walked up to the Dot's counter and told Peter our order, MC's hand gripping mine. I loved that feeling; like I was needed. She smiled up at me and I asked her what she wanted. Her eyes frantically searched the menu board on the wall until they landed on something that she liked. She stood on her toes and grasped my wrist in both her hands to keep her from falling backwards.

"I'll have a cheesecake, please," she beamed, toppling back and forth, shifting from her souls to her toes. I tugged her arm lightly and led her to an open booth.

"So," I said, studying her features. She hadn't changed very much at all. Her skin was still pale, her cheeks were still rosy, and freckles still sprinkled over her little nose. But what I noticed was small, red line, a scar above her lip. And I was immediately reminded. Reminded of the last time I had seen my sister. But at that time, her lip had been bleeding, along with her arm and forehead. I looked around but I couldn't see any marks on her forehead and her arms were covered with her navy Gap sweatshirt.

Realizing I had never finished my sentence, I snapped out of my haunting memory. "How have you been?"

MC heaved out a long sigh then smiled. "I've been fine. My, uh, parents," she hesitated, darting a glance at me then returning her gaze back out the window, "just died." She breathed out a long breath.

Before I had a chance to say anything comforting, I grasped what she just told me.

"You had… parents?" I felt awful, giving her no sympathy when she was obviously mourning but the concept of Mickie having a family… something I could never give, along with so many other things. Had she lived happily? Did her new parents treat her as they should? Had she received Christmas and birthday gifts from them?

But now they were gone. The only people that treated Mary Clark Guthrie with all the love and respect that she deserved? Hold up; was Guthrie even her name anymore? Am I no longer legally her older brother anymore? I shook my head, causing a headache to match my rumbling belly, though this awful Dot coffee was slightly helping. How odd.

"Yes. Lisa and Graham. They were killed in a plane crash about three weeks ago."

I gave her a consoling look. "I'm very sorry, Mick. Are you okay talking about them? Were they… you know… good parents?" I mentally slapped myself, but Mickie understood that my lack of "good parents" led to my lack of knowledge of how to describe what they would be like. The corners of her mouth slightly turned up.

"Yes, they were just _lovely_," she chuckled. "But honestly, I always felt like a complete stranger around them. They were always going out of their way to see that I was comfortable and got just what I wanted. All that attention, it just felt so weird, unusual." Mick gazed up at me and I nodded my head, clearing my throat. "I didn't like being spoiled. I didn't have very much freedom. Basically the polar opposite of what we grew up like, huh? Never getting anything and parents not caring where you were or what you were doing. And just when I felt right and started getting used to that huge house," she snapped her fingers, "it's back to foster homes and cramped bedrooms."

"Where are you staying anyway?" I asked.

"It's only a couple of blocks from here actually. A foster care home, run by a man named Michael Stable. I've only slept there two nights and I don't know any of the other kids yet. What about you?"

I paused for a moment, not quite sure how to explain this gently. It was hard for me to believe that my mom had changed her ways at the time. It's hard to forgive the woman who threw you in closets, who scared all your friends away, who was never really a mother to begin with.

"I live with… Mom." I spat out, not knowing what else to say.

MC gave me an incredulous look, horror filling her eyes. "Still? Didn't the police take you, too?"

I winced, remembering that dark night. "No… they took me away. And I lived at a group home, too. But earlier this year… Mom got out of jail."

I dared to look at MC's face, shock over taking it. "But she's better. She's been sober for almost three years now. I've never even seen her take a drink!" I explained. "She's different than she was. She's…"

"She's what?" MC asked.

I sighed. "She's my mother," I let out in one breath. Mick stared down at her fingernails, which were safe to say have been bitten badly, as if they were the most important thing in the room. Then she looked up at me.

"Would she like to my mother now, too?"

_I cannot find a way to describe it  
It's there inside; all I do is hide  
I wish that it would just go away  
What would you do, you do, if you knew  
What would you do_

All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone  
All by myself I need to get around this  
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you  
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand  
Cause no one understands

_All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away_

I'm going nowhere (on and on and)  
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)  
Take me away  
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)  
(and off and on)

All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away

Take me away  
Break me away  
Take me away


	3. Better Days

**I guess my dream of updating quicker is dead cuz that took 39572976 years. Plus I wrote two other point-less one-shots since then just to let you know that I'm still alive. But again, I'll try harder. I'm finally getting into a routine at school and homework and stuff so I should have more time. I'm excited for this story.**

**And I want to add that this story takes place next year, when KC and Jenna and Clare and them are junior and Drew and Eli and Bianca are seniors. Shoulda said that sooner, my bad. Xoxo,**

**Ashlin**

MC's POV

While KC was driving us to his and Mom's house, we didn't talk. We had a lot to go over, I mean, it's been four years since I'd seen him, but I guessed we were both nervous about what Mom would think when she saw me. Well, at least I was. My head felt dizzy so I toppled over and placed my head on KC's lap. I felt him stiffen, but then he relaxed and when I looked up, I saw him smiling. He began to stroke my hair. Seeing him all grown now, he reminded me just of my dad.

I shuddered, remembering _Daddy_. Had he been released from jail? If he hadn't, would he ever? He had done much worse than Mom had. Mommy would drink constantly on the couch and humming sad songs to herself while Dad hit us, beat us, yelled at us.

_Memories seep through my veins Let me be empty_

_Oh and weightless and maybe we'll find some peace tonight_

Something Mom used to sing. And I remember all of the songs that she would sing quietly, tucking me in bed on good nights, or just mumble quietly while drunk on bad nights. Those songs stuck with me, like _Daddy's _scars all over my body. Scars that I've hide for as long as I can remember. I never let anyone seen them at school, though teachers would ask about several bruises. I never told them the truth. It was just something… something that people didn't need to know. Their lives were too big and important for these issues. I got through it, I always did. I didn't worry. And I had KC and Jancy to help me, once DC had already left.

I pitied myself. If Dad only came home to kick and tackle me, I must've deserved it. But after a while, I realize what the case really was. My father was heartless. Cruel. Unforgiving. Cheating. And I hated him so much. Kevin Jance Guthrie. Just saying his name, I almost felt venom on my lips. He is the reason I had nightmares and was scared. Scared that because I grew up like that, and I would become as heartless, as cruel, as unforgiving.

I shuddered again and KC moved his hand from my hair to my back, as if trying to warm me. I smiled. He always had been there for me.

Then he lightly tugged on my hair. "We're here." he said. I sat up. We were in front of a small apartment complex. I pushed my hands down on the seat and pulled myself up. Once up, I fiddled with the blue bracelet on my wrist, not wanting to get out of the car. After KC had turned around in his seat to grab his backpack and place his phone in the front compartment, he glanced over at me and saw my fears. He laid his hand over mine and told me I had nothing to worry about. I took a deep breathe then swallowed. Wrapping my hand around the handle of the door, I heaved the door open and placed my feet on the cement, almost immediately wanting to crawl back into the car seat into a ball and never get out. But before I got the chance to, KC's arm was around my shoulder. For once, I didn't want his protective arm lingering over me. Although I felt vulnerable, more vulnerable than I had in a while, I needed Mom to know that I was strong and that if she didn't satisfy me, I could leave her. I didn't need her now any more than I had in the past.

Shaking his arm off of me, I started towards the building, KC following though I didn't know where we were going exactly.

I stepped into the elevator, guessing that the room wasn't in the lobby. He pushed the sixth and final button when we got in and I silently groaned. _Great, _I thought. _We're on the top floor. A recipe for a murder or accidental death._ Then I caught myself.

I didn't live here. I don't even know if I _want_ to live here. Staying close to KC after so much time being brother less wouldn't be so bad and possibly having a later curfew and less kids running around my "home"… Could this be a home? The elevator _dings_. I guess I'm about to find out.

KC dug a key out from under a plant and turned it in the lock. He told me that Mom was still working but should be home in about half an hour. I used his phone to call my new foster parent Michael that I was with a friend and had nothing to worry about. I left out that I was visiting my brother and ex-alcoholic mother and that I had skipped half of my first day at Degrassi to eat muffins at the Dot. He hung up, telling me to be home by 8:30. I sighed. I hated early curfews.

KC showed me around. The apartment consisted of his room, Mom's room, the living room, the kitchen, and the dining room. There was a microscopic television with antlers and a lumpy, grey-stained couch in the living room. I took my shoes off in the wide doorway for the living room to the dining room. "Feels like home," I mumbled and I heard KC chuckle as he went to leave his backpack in his bedroom. I glance around at the cream-colored walls and the yellow shadow that a lampshade from the corner the dining room. The apartment felt cold, matching the weather outside. I wrapped my coat tighter against my body, sitting down in the loveseat next to the couch.

KC returned and began walking towards the kitchen. I shuffled over and saw him put water into a pot and turn on the stove. He grabs a box from the cabinet and took out a baggy of something.

Hot chocolate. They used to hand paper cups of them out at the first orphanage I lived in. I remembered the first time I ever had it. Even if it burned your throat going down, it always made you feel warm on the inside. Hot chocolate was a comfort. When KC had finished stirring the cocoa mix, he poured it into two cups, he handed one to me and placed his elbows on the counter, both hands securely around his plastic cup.

"So." He starts like that again. I almost giggle. "You're going to Degrassi now?" He moved around the counter and sat on a stool, patting the one beside him. I came and sat down, sipping my drink cautiously.

"Yeah, some nuns signed me up for it," I said, waving my hand in the air, a reaction I tended to do a lot for no reason. "I guess it's fate that you go there, too."

KC laughed, landing his hand on his knee. "Yeah," he said, "Fate."

I felt a silence coming on so I spoke up quick. I didn't like the silence. It reminded me of screams, always has.

"What have you been up to? Any girlfriends?" I smiled but a weird look crossed his face. He looked down and blinked his eyes a lot, as if there was duct in them. I should suggest more.

"Sports?"

He looks up now, looking more normal. "Yeah, I did basketball last year but Coach wanted me to try out for football this year. So now I'm on the football team."

I grinned at him. "I'm glad, Kace. I mean, all I've ever done athletics-wise is kickball with my foster siblings." I began regret want I said, about having other siblings, but he didn't seem to mind. He let out a laugh and looked in my eyes.

"Well, you've never been one for coordination," he says. For the first in a long time, I'm reminded of our old backyard, with it's grown out weeds that Jancy would desperately try to pull out, although we all knew that this garden was hopeless. We'd pass a football or two out there, if we could find one. And, no, I was never the best at catching or throwing or running and all that. Did that really matter?

KC laughed as I frowned, eyebrows pulled together. Chugging the remainder of my beverage, I hopped up to put the cup into the sink. But when I reached the sink, the door opened. Out of habit, I crouched down below the counter, hiding. "Oh, M," KC whispered, probably not wanting Mom to hear him say my name, though he sounded agitated. Maybe I should come out. I see their feet from where I am. I pay close attention to my mother's shoes. They are small and black and so are her pants. I wish I could see her face but I can't see it no matter how low to the ground I go.

"Hey, Mom. I, er, have a surprise today." I bit my lip hard. Could he possible have a different surprise for her? I felt like inching away and leaving through the backdoor. Too bad there wasn't one.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

I decided to save him the awkwardness and trouble on introducing me but while trying to arise from beneath the counter, I forcefully bump my head against the bottom of it, sending pain down my neck and causing my hair to spill over my face. I bit my lip again to suppress a yelp, but the sound of the crash was loud enough for both of them to hear me. I stand up, rubbing my head and I felt my lip bleeding from my teeth. Through my hair, I see my mother and recoiled but no one is standing by to protect me. KC was on the other side of Mom sending me faces with sympathy. I looked back at my mother, almost scared that she'll come after me, targeting me with questions like what was I doing here, in her house? Hadn't she gotten rid of me four years ago?

But she stayed where she was, her purse was still over her shoulder. God, had she transformed. I sniffed around, but I didn't even smell whiskey. Her dark hair was far shorter and pulled back into a ponytail, short bangs framing her face. I stepped forward, amazed that her eyes weren't bloodshot as always. Had so much really happened?

She opened her mouth. "KC… who's this?"

I gaped in disbelief. Of course she wouldn't remember me. There was hardly a somber moment that she spent with you. Had she been drinking when she went into labor also? I had come all this way without a mother and now the one that I did have couldn't even recognize me. Before I told her that she is the lady that birthed me and I just wanted a mother that never seem to there for me, KC jogged over to where I was and brushed my brown hair from my face. Oh.

"Mama." I say plainly, trying not to show any emotions though I'm feeling about a billion at the moment.

Mom's hands flew over her mouth and she looked as if she was about to begin crying. Would she really do that? Her arms flung around me as she braced me for a warm hug. Indeed, she was crying. Sobbing on my shoulder. I placed my hands on her back and stared at her incredulously. Was she crying because she was… happy to see me? She wouldn't be hugging me if she was mad that I had reappeared. She backed out of the hug and her hands found their way to my cheeks. "I can't believe it's you!" she cried. "Where, where… do you have a family?" She looked disappointed and gloomy. I didn't really have a family, did I? A group home?

"I'm… not really. I'm staying at a group home."

Mom's face lit up. KC still stood behind her. "Oh, well, can I call your group home? Maybe you could stay for dinner?" she said, more in question form.

My head started to feel sort of light. "Yeah. Yeah, I have the number here; I just used it to call them on KC's phone. I said I was visiting some people and they said I should be back by eight," I babbled. Mom laughed, grapping me for another embrace, which I returned.

"I've missed you, baby girl. When I tried to find you, they said that you had been adopted." She said in my ear.

"Well, I was. My parents died." I didn't expect her to be sympathetic but she broke away from the hug and her thumbs drew circles on my face once again.

Her eyes met mine, our identical eyes. It was amazing how much I looked like her, with lighter hair and a less-full mouth. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. That's rough," she said as her hand stroked my hair. I felt eyes sting but it wasn't because I was thinking of Lisa and Graham, but because Mama was being a mom, consoling me and wiping my tears from my face. I looked over at KC, whose eyes were darting around the room but I could see that they were watery. Who would've thought that this day would be so emotional? Better yet, who would've thought that this day would ever come?

Mama gripped my hand gently and guided me to the table. "Sit down, I'll make some dinner." She grinned.

For dinner, Mom prepared Mac n' cheese and set it on the table with some carrots and lemonade. I didn't tell her that it wasn't my favorite meal, that I didn't even like cheese to begin with. Though it was all that she would ever fix us when we were young, I had been too scared to tell her I was tired of it and that it tasted like paper to me. I hadn't done many things because of fear of my parents.

But this dinner, it felt like a symbol. For new beginnings. If Mom adopted me, I could have this every night. At the table, KC scarfed down his food and Mom placed her napkin on her lap. I had drunken all my lemonade before Mom spoke up from the silence that hurt my ears. Screams began to fill my head as I tried to shake them away. "How's you food?" she asked me.

"MC doesn't like cheese," KC answered nonchalantly, piling more noodles on his fork. "Never has."

Mom turned to me. "Really?" she asked. I nodded shyly. "Well, I think we have some more leftovers. What are you in the mood for?"

"No, it's okay. You prepared this, so I'll eat it." Just then I realized that the muffin I had at the Dot was all that I had eaten all day and that I was really hungry. Plus, the thought of mac and cheese revolted me. "But do you have any chicken or something?" Mom smiled and poured my plate over KC's, as he greedily started after my helping of macaroni. She went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

"Yes we do," she said with her head in the fridge. "I'll heat some up."

"Thanks, Ma."

Mom turned around just to beam at me and sigh before she turned to the microwave and put the chicken in. KC chuckled at the corniness of this whole scenario but never looked up from his plate; he was too busy focusing on his food. He was such a teenaged boy.

The microwave beeped and Mom placed my food on my plate in front of me. I shoveled it onto my fork and quickly ate. "What time is it?" I asked Ma.

"It is 7:50," she answered. "What time were you supposed to be back at the group home?"

I rose from my chair. "Eight." I responded. "I should get going." Could I walk there? I didn't really know where this apartment was located so I didn't know if it was very far from my _home._ But I had never really learned about real _homes._ It seemed like I always lived with people who were strangers to me.

Mom jumped from the table. "What if I call your foster home? You can spend the night, if you want. I'm okay if you want to go home." She seemed eager. I could count the reasons to not stay, but on the other hand, I could count more on why I should.

"Ma, I really don't have a home. But you're the best thing I've got," I said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

_And_ _you asked me what I want this year  
and I try to make this kind and clear  
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days  
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings  
and designer love and empty things  
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_

So take these words and sing out loud  
'cause everyone is forgiven now  
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need some place simple where we could live  
and something only you can give  
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive  
and the one poor child who saved this world  
and there's ten million more who probably could  
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud  
'cause everyone is forgiven now  
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight  
and somehow stop this endless fight  
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud  
'cause everyone is forgiven now  
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again


	4. Someday

**so updating on a schedule isn't my forte. sorry. i'm trying, i'll push more this week. this is taking a lot of energy! the song is someday by rob thomas. comment and stuff. the usual. love y'all!**

**Ashlin **

MC's POV

I helped Mama clean the dishes and pile them into the dishwasher. I picked up my plate, ran it under the water and rubbed it with a towel. The noise of the draining faucet was the only thing keeping the silence from eating my alive until Mom brought the pot she was scrubbing down and turned to me.

"How've you been, MC? Are you okay with all of this? I just want to know what your feeling." She tugged my overgrown bangs behind my ear and trailed her hand down my back and up to my neck again.

"I'm still… fuzzy," I stated. "What all happened while I was gone?" I knew I was avoiding telling her my thoughts. I wanted my mom to adopt me. Why was that so hard to admit? She seemed gentle and kind for once in my life.

I needed her. That was far harder to admit, even to myself. Never have I ever needed my mother. I had never really needed much of anything. I was always the last one served, if even served at all. But once you live like that everyday—never getting a hint of what is good or just—getting the last crummy piece of pie seems more than what you ever deserved.

I couldn't confess to her that I believed she had charged and that I envisioned my life here, with her and KC, and not at some group home.

So I didn't say it. But for the meantime, I would try to please her. I know that she caused most of it, but her life has been a living hell. I attempted not to think about how she had dragged me down with her. I told myself to be the better person, like Jesus. Forgive and forget: was it that easy?

"Well, it all started when was let out of rehab two years ago—" There was a knock on the door.

Mom smiled and softly ordered me to sit on the couch in the living room. I nodded and left as she went to answer the door. "Hello, Jenna! Hi, baby Thomas," I heard her say. "Please come in for a minute."

"Okay," a meek voice spoke but I could not see who was there because of a wall.

Footsteps came closer to the living room. "I sort of have a surprise for you," Ma was saying. How many times today would I be considered a surprise?

I expected my mother to enter the doorway first to show her guest to me but instead a very blonde teenager entered stepped through, noticed me, and waved awkwardly. "Hey…" she greeted, slurring her syllable. The girl turned to look behind and asked, "Who is this? A babysitter? You know I want to be alerted when you're leaving Thomas with a babysitter."

Just then my mother was seen, holding a infant wearing a green sweater and tiny blue jeans.

"Chill, Jenna, she's not a babysitter." She balanced the child in one arm and pointed towards where I sat while the girl gave Mom an irritated look. "This," Ma stated, "is my daughter. Long-lost I guess you could say. MC. She enrolled to Degrassi this year and KC found her today. Isn't that incredible?" She giggled with glee. I raised my eyebrows and grinned at my giddy mother.

Jenna, I think it was, was trying to be polite as she smiled widely and masked an "oh, wow!" expression but to me, she resembled a distressed Barbie. I was still confused as to why a girl around KC's age was dropping in at their apartment with a young—oh, my.

I cautiously rose from the couch and stuck my finger at the teeny boy. "Is that KC's son?" I asked.

Mama cooed the baby and rubbed its stomach. "Yes," she calmly replied, making googly eyes at him. "Do you want to hold him? His name is Thomas Oliver Guthrie," she beamed and held the baby out to me before I could even nod. He's… my nephew? That's gonna take some getting used to.

Thomas played admirably with his fingers as he was passed to me. Then he gazed up at me.

His eyes scared me; they were such a deep blue. I don't know how a shade of eye color could frighten me but I almost couldn't look at them. Still, I held myself and drowned inside of them, seeing wonder and the entire world as a mystery, the way he saw things. His tender lips pouted and he switched his attention back to his empty hands.

When he broke our split eye contact, I had to remind myself to inhale, exhale. I tried to scoop his face up with my fingers, but he kept turning away and I wouldn't force him to look at me in fear that this baby would whine.

Why was he hiding his eyes from me? I glanced at Jenna to see if she was the source of Thomas's navy eyes because they certainly didn't come from KC.

But hers were baby blue and quite stunning, yet not containing any significance to me at the moment.

I patted his dark hair, soothing him. _Look at me, beautiful boy. Just for a moment._

"Uh, it was nice meeting you, MC. I'm sure I'll see more of you around." Jenna sighed. "But I have to get home and get dinner ready before my brother get home from work. Goodbye!" As she exited the door, I couldn't help but think of her as a grown woman locked inside of a teenager's figure. I also wondered why KC didn't come out to retrieve his son himself. He had been in his room this whole time.

Once Thomas realized that his mommy had left, he proceeded to wail. Mom shook her head and walked over to collect the crying infant from my arms. When I heard his wretched sobs and saw him struggle to be relieved of her hold, my heart began to swell, growing wider with every heartbeat. I knew that soon it would succeed in busting my ribcage so I turned away. _Don't cry, precious baby. I can't take it._

"I'll handle this," my mother whispered while she wrestled with the bawling child and carried him to her bedroom. Curious, I peered through the doorway to see where she would put him to sleep.

She opened her closet and inside was a tightly fit crib. With one hand, she dragged it out and kicked it with her foot to a corner; Thomas was wiggling so forcefully, she needed two hands to secure him.

Once he was tucked in the crib, still choking out tears and sobs, Mom began to frantically search the desk in her room and then the interior of her closet for an object that she seemed to need.

She brushed past me to KC's room and I overheard her ask, "Do you have Thomas's pacifier?" KC whispered something too quiet to reach my ears and Mom returned to her wailing grandchild.

Moments later, all to be heard was the faint sound of Thomas sucking on his pacifier and Mom delicately laughing as she sprawled down on her bed.

KC's door was wide open now thanks to Mom, and I spotted him sitting Indian style on his floor and leaning against the post of his bed. His elbows pressed onto his knees and he hid his face in his hands.

A textbook lay in front of him but I didn't think that his studied were the reasons for his distress.

Tip-toeing on my socks, I crept towards his bedroom and lingered near the doorway. "Can I come in?" I squeaked.

KC's head rose from his palms and he looked at me with a grave expression. He nodded but stayed how he was positioned.

I stumbled unsurely to where he sat and crossed my legs next to him. I tried to show an encouraging smile as I said, "I just met your son?" but my voice quivered as his somber eyes bore mine.

He let out a sigh and dropped his gaze. "Now you know," he said. "I screwed up. And no matter where I run, that one huge mistake will always be right behind me."

I was taken aback by his words. He was so ashamed of his creation that merely talking about it and having Thomas in the next room caused him pain and sorrow. "Maybe it's not such a bad thing. He's very beautiful, Kace. And I'm not just saying that cause he's your son. He has… these eyes—"

"I know. They're… scary. I can't look at them, Mary. They are too innocent. It kills me."

He brought his knees up and lowered his face into them. I fiddled with the blue bracelet on my wrist, afraid of what I would say if I opened my mouth. But I was more afraid of the silence.

"Do you love him?" KC shot a questioning look at me but returned to hiding his face and didn't respond for a moment.

"I try not to. But it's so hard not to. He's part of me, like I was part of Dad. If I become attached to Thomas, it'll be harder. It's… just being a dad. Having that title. What if I'm bad, what if I change? I'll have a damn son that's going to see me like that. I'm only going to screw up again."

I dipped my head so that it was leveled with his as I tried to look into his eyes. "You're not Dad, KC. You won't make his mistakes if you're smart enough. And don't you think that if you love him, you'll try harder to stray away from mistakes? Because then, you won't want him hurt in any way. You watch out for him like a father should?"

Still, he averted his eyes, avoiding mine. "Mick, I don't know how a dad should take care of his son. Don't you see? I'm not ready! I won't ever be! Fatherhood was something I was _never_ supposed to enter. Now there's no going back. I tried to _leave_ her and the baby. I abandoned it before it was even born! Does that scream Father of the Year to you? I've already messed up, who's to tell what I'll do in the future."

"You will," I state. "You do know that you're in control of your actions, right? So you have a baby. It can only make you more cautious. Can't be very flamboyant with a child, huh?" I nudged him gingerly in his forearm but he wasn't very responsive.

"I know that I can't afford to get off track. That's why it'll be worst when I do. I'm trying to distant myself. For Thomas's sake."

With that said, he lifted himself so he was in a towering position over me. "I'm taking the couch. You've got the bed." He strolled forcefully to the doorway and held his palm against the wall. "And to answer your question, I do love. A lot." Then he shut the door behind him.

You can go  
You can start all over again  
You can try to find a way to make another day go by  
You can hide  
Hold all your feelings inside  
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
Try to put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to make things better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

Now wait  
And try to find another mistake  
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind  
You can run, oh  
And when everything is over and done  
You can shine a little light on everything around you  
Man it's good to be so warm

And maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
Try to put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to make things better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

And I don't want to wait  
I just want to know  
I just want to hear you tell me so  
Give it to me straight  
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
We'll put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to just feel better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice  
Just how good it can get  
So maybe we should start all over  
Start all over again

Cause sometimes we don't really notice  
Just how good it can get  
So maybe we should start all over  
Start all over again


End file.
